Beginning Steps and Sound Advice

I am beginning this blog to continue in my healing process. What do I have to heal from you ask? Well I have serious issues, and like the Bionic Woman I am missing parts (although not bodily)that I need to rebuild stronger than before, hence the name of my blog.

I was an abused woman. Just that sentence brings so many conoctations to mind, yet until you are that person you do not even realize the alternate universe you have entered. I have done the grieving process. I have taken revenge. I have gotten on with my life. Yet, there are still things to be done. I need to heal.

How do I heal? I used to ask myself that all the time. Could the medicines the doctor's prescribed take away the sudden panic attacks? Could I drink away some nights just so I could sleep? Or do I finally take the way that I have known I needed to take since the beginning. I need to share my story. I am meant to help people, I have known that my whole life. Sometimes I help in little ways, but now is my chance to share, maybe inspire others. It is also a way to communicate how NOT to do things.

I am one of those people who always goes on whims. All of my life I have been impulsive. My impulsiveness has gotten me into trouble more than once. I have always believed that God would take care of me. I still believe that, I should be dead, more than once. Yet I have a higher purpose (I know that sounds so conceited) yet that is truly what I believe. Even if that higher purpose is to show my daughter that you can stand up to anything and be okay.

This blog will not be funny, it will not be light, it will expose every raw nerve that I could even imagine. Maybe I will share it later. Hopefully I can set the privacy settings so that no one can read this until I am ready for them too. I will have to do this slowly. It took me a year to even say outloud some of the things done to me.

For other abused women who may or may not still be in an abusive relationship, here are some things you can do to protect yourself...

Hide a prepaid cell phone somewhere in your house where only you know where it's at. The bathroom is a good place because after they are done they usually want you to clean up so they don't need to be reminded about what they have done.

Keys- ALWAYS keep an extra set of keys to your car hidden so only YOU know where they are.

Keys with car alarms- Keep them under your pillow. If something is happening while you are asleep or you are caught in your bedroom you can set off your car alarm. This will distract him for a bit, or at least wake the neighbors. Do not let him know the alarm is there and act surprised when it goes off.

Lie- I have never been able to lie. I am a person that everyone always knows what I'm thinking. Well the thought of some of the abuse turned me into quite an actress. It's better to grovel for a minute and then get out and revenge later.

If you do not live with your abuser, then there are other things you can do. There are alarms you can buy fairly cheap that you can put on doors and windows that sound very loud alarms, usually enough for one night of reprieve, but if they are smart then they usually figure it out that it is not ADT.

If you can afford a security system then definately invest in one. Most women run into so much financial difficulties because of the situations they have been put through.

Protect your car....

Buy a locked gascap.
Buy a club
Some other ideas is break glass all around where you park. place nails in the glass sticking up. If they do not get cut, they will at least make enough noise that you should have time to call the police. Just remember it's there when you park.
Buy a stun gun....I do not recommend pepper spray. I have stood shaking wanting to attack but too afraid. But a stun gun is a wonderful invention. I got mine from Odessey Martial Arts for about $80 and it is in the shape of Brass nuckles. There is a 250,000,000 volt one that will bring down a 300 pound man. This can be kept in your robe pocket or your coat pocket and the wonderful thing about it is it goes though clothing, so he won't know it's coming and you can have time to get away. The design also prevents accidentally using it on yourself (the problem with pepper spray)
Get an order of protection- yet realize this is just a piece of paper. This paper just basically gives you the right to protect yourself if attacked. (not really because the police actually have to SEE the attack or the perpertrator.
Document every attack, every time, every detail. (including police reports and who you told) Keep this at work or somewhere secret. Once those police reports start adding up, everyone starts taking you more seriously.
Do not feel ashamed or too embarrassed to ask for help. You would be surprised at how many friends you do have, even ones that you haven't talked to in awhile. (most abuser's try to either keep you to themselves and control every aspect of your world, or they try to intergrate themselves into your friendships and trying to turn them against you) Your true friends will always be there.
Find a safe place. A friend that he does not know where they live, or even a shelter. Getting away even for a little bit will help that confidence over time to get you away permenantly.
Remember most abused women take their men back multiple times. They are smooth talkers and master manipulators, they can even make you feel like you have the problem. You don't, but you as a woman want to fix and help the person you love. So leaving permenately may not happen the first few times.
These men will use whatever they can to control you. Unfortunately sometimes that is your children. You have to be able to do whatever you can do to keep them safe, even if it means being miserable. That is your duty as a mother. If he threatens your children ever, then realize there is nothing he will not do to hurt you, and even if he is the best father, step-father imaginable, eventually he will use the kids. He will run out of options, because after awhile you become the walking dead.

As the walking dead you do not care if you live or die. One minute you feel everything is going to work out, and then the next you are torchered for hours on end. Sometimes you want to die, sometimes you want to kill him. Those are all normal thoughts, the not so normal is trying to go through with either one. You have to fight this person on his terms, if he wants to play rough, then you get rough. Except use your mind, not your body. I guarentee you that you are much smarter than he is, because what is a bully? Someone who has to prey on the weak. Your power is that you only need to be weak as long as you want. At any moment you can make that stand. This is where the Bionic Woman title comes into play, except we cannot expect a doctor, or a therapist, or our friends or family to re-build us, we have to do it ourselves.

In the upcoming blogs I will slowly tell my story. I am a survivor. I am strong, I am independent, I am a good person. I had to tell myself this over and over, until one day, I believed it. I get a random call from the jail now on my work phone and it's from the department of corrections. Instead of saying his name he sends little messages, you know the "I always loved you, I never meant to hurt you...blah blah blah" I know I am better, because I don't have panic attacks and need to take a Xanex now. I just hang up and my work day is not affected. He no longer effects my day to day life. I made sure to tell the investigating officer that he was calling me and kept that documented....Remember document, document, document!

If you haven't gotten out yet, you will or you wouldn't be reading this. You may take him back a few times, but eventually you will get out, or you will end up dead. Those are really the only choices.