I came from a disfunctional family. My family was very poor, I was often embarrassed at school because I did not have the nicest clothes. As I was growing up they often made fun of me, saying I thought I was better than them. Actually I did. I was convinced that as soon as I could I was out of there, and I was. I left home at 16 and moved into an apartment over my best friends grandparents house. Through my friends I found how other families interacted. I wanted that badly. I just basically wanted someone to love me.
My life was good in highschool. I had a job, I did whatever I wanted, and I had the best friends ever. I fit in, in a very strange way. I was by no means popular, but I didn't care anymore who thought what of me. Highschool was fun. Senior year though promised to be dramatic. I was in total love. So what does a disfunctional person do when something is good in their life? They sabotage it. I mean who deserves to be happy? I was in love with a younger man and I graduated before he did. His parents loved me, but really didn't want us to be together. Hurting him has always been the biggest regret in my life (as you read the rest you will wonder how that could be my biggest regret), but truly it is, although if the path taken was different, then our lives would be different and I'm sure things are not meant to be different. I don't know, there is way to much philosophy in this line of thinking so I need to move on to the next topic.
I lived in a run down house on my own, planning to take a year off and then go to college. Always a big mistake. I met my future ex-husband and father of my babies. I had had other boyfriends, and they were all great. I actually interviewed him for a job at Taco Bell where I was a manager (oh yes I was livin' the dream) Short story, I got pregnate. We got married. I wanted so much to have the family that I never had that I worked my @ss off to make sure it happened. Our marraige was kind of bland. I was dramatic and over reacted to everything, he reacted to nothing. I worried about bills, he didn't. I kept jobs and worked hard, he didn't. It was doomed from the start, but we really did try. Almost 10 years of trying. We joined a church. I was a Sunday School teacher. (I know try not to gasp too loudly). I did everything I could to make my life look like my ideal image. Yet I was not happy...I had known true love, so the alternative was bland.
I would of stayed married to Husband number one forever, because I didn't believe in divorce. I was a christian, it was my duty to work and try harder. Right before I became pregnate with child number 3 I was going to leave. I knew our marraige was done. I needed more, and he definately could not fulfill me. (as I look back on it I realize it was myself that needed to find happiness and it had nothing to do with another person). While I was pregnate I was in a state of denial for 3 months. I had my boy and my girl, I was done. Well God had other ideas, and my baby who I love more than life was born.
When J was born (I cannot use names on the internet due to privacy issues) I felt so guilty about the aminosity I felt while pregnate. As soon as I saw him I fell in love. A Blake Shelton song "my baby" always reminds me of him. He is my baby. He ended up being really sick, he had an interrupted aortic arch (which means he was missing part of his aorta) and a VSD (heart murmer) He had surgery when he was three days old. My old christian commitment came back to me and I made every bargain to the Big Guy to let my baby live. My baby is meant to be famous or infamous, only time will tell.
After the J, drama, Husband number 1 was diagnosed with his own heart problems and had to have surgery. As such the medical bills, the addiction to the pain meds, my own self centeredness, and once again I was the only one working for anything. Our marraige didn't last long after that.
Honestly I loved being single after the break. I had three awesome divorce parties, thanks Dee and David for the stripper. I met one of my current Best friends there, Love you Kerry Chai. I also loved Men. I dated a lot. It was fun. I paid my own bills, was completely independent and Husband number one did not pay child support, yet he was involved in his kids lives. I was happy. I had a couple of serious relationships. The first was Charlie. Oh Charlie, how I loved me some Charlie. We had a Blast together, yet it wasn't meant to be. He moved away, but I got over it.
Five years after the break with Douche bag number one, I met the newest man of my dreams. I met him at a local bar that I frequented whenever the kids were with Douche number one. This man knocked me off of my feet. He was good looking, smooth talking, had a country accent, and was exceptionally intelligent. He was the man every girl dreams about. He moved in with me after 2 weeks and we were married 3 weeks later. (yeah I know, that was incredibly smart, like I said before, I'm impulsive)
At first it was great, he was an awesome step-father. He seemed to love my kids. All of our activities were family oriented. He had a great job, I had a great job (that I busted my ass to get). Everything was storybook material....until our first fight. I'm not even sure what the fight was about, it was just a small arguement, nothing like the drag out fights I used to have with douche 1. Suddenly I was choked unconsious. As I came to I could not even understand what had happened, to make a point he did it again. (see he used to be a mixed martial arts trainer) After that, I changed. Not for the good. At first I was outraged. I had done a background check before we got married, yet he lied about what state he was from. I started investigating him on my own. What I found was a horror story. He had a trail of women who he abused and some almost killed.
I told my babies dad. At this time we were friends, and it really did involve him too. I went to work one friday, the kids went that weekend to B's. I acted like nothing was wrong, went to the grandview police department and pressed charges. He was out before Monday. B actually went to court with me and helped me by letting me stay with him. That monday my car was stolen from work. Can you imagine the embarrassment of having to tell your boss that your husband is a psycho. Halee a chick on my team took me to the police department and stayed the two hours it took to file the report.
The police were not going to do anything. According to them it was marital property (even though it was mine before I met the loser). Unfortunately for him the tags expired the day after he stole the car. A policeman got behind him, he panicked and drove through 4 counties in a high speed chase in my little red cavalier. He jumped a hill dukes of hazzard style and completely trashed my car. This time he went to jail on a felony for endangering police and resisting arrest.
There is more to come later....I have shared enough for tonight.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Beginning Steps and Sound Advice
I am beginning this blog to continue in my healing process. What do I have to heal from you ask? Well I have serious issues, and like the Bionic Woman I am missing parts (although not bodily)that I need to rebuild stronger than before, hence the name of my blog.
I was an abused woman. Just that sentence brings so many conoctations to mind, yet until you are that person you do not even realize the alternate universe you have entered. I have done the grieving process. I have taken revenge. I have gotten on with my life. Yet, there are still things to be done. I need to heal.
How do I heal? I used to ask myself that all the time. Could the medicines the doctor's prescribed take away the sudden panic attacks? Could I drink away some nights just so I could sleep? Or do I finally take the way that I have known I needed to take since the beginning. I need to share my story. I am meant to help people, I have known that my whole life. Sometimes I help in little ways, but now is my chance to share, maybe inspire others. It is also a way to communicate how NOT to do things.
I am one of those people who always goes on whims. All of my life I have been impulsive. My impulsiveness has gotten me into trouble more than once. I have always believed that God would take care of me. I still believe that, I should be dead, more than once. Yet I have a higher purpose (I know that sounds so conceited) yet that is truly what I believe. Even if that higher purpose is to show my daughter that you can stand up to anything and be okay.
This blog will not be funny, it will not be light, it will expose every raw nerve that I could even imagine. Maybe I will share it later. Hopefully I can set the privacy settings so that no one can read this until I am ready for them too. I will have to do this slowly. It took me a year to even say outloud some of the things done to me.
For other abused women who may or may not still be in an abusive relationship, here are some things you can do to protect yourself...
Hide a prepaid cell phone somewhere in your house where only you know where it's at. The bathroom is a good place because after they are done they usually want you to clean up so they don't need to be reminded about what they have done.
Keys- ALWAYS keep an extra set of keys to your car hidden so only YOU know where they are.
Keys with car alarms- Keep them under your pillow. If something is happening while you are asleep or you are caught in your bedroom you can set off your car alarm. This will distract him for a bit, or at least wake the neighbors. Do not let him know the alarm is there and act surprised when it goes off.
Lie- I have never been able to lie. I am a person that everyone always knows what I'm thinking. Well the thought of some of the abuse turned me into quite an actress. It's better to grovel for a minute and then get out and revenge later.
If you do not live with your abuser, then there are other things you can do. There are alarms you can buy fairly cheap that you can put on doors and windows that sound very loud alarms, usually enough for one night of reprieve, but if they are smart then they usually figure it out that it is not ADT.
If you can afford a security system then definately invest in one. Most women run into so much financial difficulties because of the situations they have been put through.
Protect your car....
Buy a locked gascap.
Buy a club
Some other ideas is break glass all around where you park. place nails in the glass sticking up. If they do not get cut, they will at least make enough noise that you should have time to call the police. Just remember it's there when you park.
Buy a stun gun....I do not recommend pepper spray. I have stood shaking wanting to attack but too afraid. But a stun gun is a wonderful invention. I got mine from Odessey Martial Arts for about $80 and it is in the shape of Brass nuckles. There is a 250,000,000 volt one that will bring down a 300 pound man. This can be kept in your robe pocket or your coat pocket and the wonderful thing about it is it goes though clothing, so he won't know it's coming and you can have time to get away. The design also prevents accidentally using it on yourself (the problem with pepper spray)
Get an order of protection- yet realize this is just a piece of paper. This paper just basically gives you the right to protect yourself if attacked. (not really because the police actually have to SEE the attack or the perpertrator.
Document every attack, every time, every detail. (including police reports and who you told) Keep this at work or somewhere secret. Once those police reports start adding up, everyone starts taking you more seriously.
Do not feel ashamed or too embarrassed to ask for help. You would be surprised at how many friends you do have, even ones that you haven't talked to in awhile. (most abuser's try to either keep you to themselves and control every aspect of your world, or they try to intergrate themselves into your friendships and trying to turn them against you) Your true friends will always be there.
Find a safe place. A friend that he does not know where they live, or even a shelter. Getting away even for a little bit will help that confidence over time to get you away permenantly.
Remember most abused women take their men back multiple times. They are smooth talkers and master manipulators, they can even make you feel like you have the problem. You don't, but you as a woman want to fix and help the person you love. So leaving permenately may not happen the first few times.
These men will use whatever they can to control you. Unfortunately sometimes that is your children. You have to be able to do whatever you can do to keep them safe, even if it means being miserable. That is your duty as a mother. If he threatens your children ever, then realize there is nothing he will not do to hurt you, and even if he is the best father, step-father imaginable, eventually he will use the kids. He will run out of options, because after awhile you become the walking dead.
As the walking dead you do not care if you live or die. One minute you feel everything is going to work out, and then the next you are torchered for hours on end. Sometimes you want to die, sometimes you want to kill him. Those are all normal thoughts, the not so normal is trying to go through with either one. You have to fight this person on his terms, if he wants to play rough, then you get rough. Except use your mind, not your body. I guarentee you that you are much smarter than he is, because what is a bully? Someone who has to prey on the weak. Your power is that you only need to be weak as long as you want. At any moment you can make that stand. This is where the Bionic Woman title comes into play, except we cannot expect a doctor, or a therapist, or our friends or family to re-build us, we have to do it ourselves.
In the upcoming blogs I will slowly tell my story. I am a survivor. I am strong, I am independent, I am a good person. I had to tell myself this over and over, until one day, I believed it. I get a random call from the jail now on my work phone and it's from the department of corrections. Instead of saying his name he sends little messages, you know the "I always loved you, I never meant to hurt you...blah blah blah" I know I am better, because I don't have panic attacks and need to take a Xanex now. I just hang up and my work day is not affected. He no longer effects my day to day life. I made sure to tell the investigating officer that he was calling me and kept that documented....Remember document, document, document!
If you haven't gotten out yet, you will or you wouldn't be reading this. You may take him back a few times, but eventually you will get out, or you will end up dead. Those are really the only choices.
I was an abused woman. Just that sentence brings so many conoctations to mind, yet until you are that person you do not even realize the alternate universe you have entered. I have done the grieving process. I have taken revenge. I have gotten on with my life. Yet, there are still things to be done. I need to heal.
How do I heal? I used to ask myself that all the time. Could the medicines the doctor's prescribed take away the sudden panic attacks? Could I drink away some nights just so I could sleep? Or do I finally take the way that I have known I needed to take since the beginning. I need to share my story. I am meant to help people, I have known that my whole life. Sometimes I help in little ways, but now is my chance to share, maybe inspire others. It is also a way to communicate how NOT to do things.
I am one of those people who always goes on whims. All of my life I have been impulsive. My impulsiveness has gotten me into trouble more than once. I have always believed that God would take care of me. I still believe that, I should be dead, more than once. Yet I have a higher purpose (I know that sounds so conceited) yet that is truly what I believe. Even if that higher purpose is to show my daughter that you can stand up to anything and be okay.
This blog will not be funny, it will not be light, it will expose every raw nerve that I could even imagine. Maybe I will share it later. Hopefully I can set the privacy settings so that no one can read this until I am ready for them too. I will have to do this slowly. It took me a year to even say outloud some of the things done to me.
For other abused women who may or may not still be in an abusive relationship, here are some things you can do to protect yourself...
Hide a prepaid cell phone somewhere in your house where only you know where it's at. The bathroom is a good place because after they are done they usually want you to clean up so they don't need to be reminded about what they have done.
Keys- ALWAYS keep an extra set of keys to your car hidden so only YOU know where they are.
Keys with car alarms- Keep them under your pillow. If something is happening while you are asleep or you are caught in your bedroom you can set off your car alarm. This will distract him for a bit, or at least wake the neighbors. Do not let him know the alarm is there and act surprised when it goes off.
Lie- I have never been able to lie. I am a person that everyone always knows what I'm thinking. Well the thought of some of the abuse turned me into quite an actress. It's better to grovel for a minute and then get out and revenge later.
If you do not live with your abuser, then there are other things you can do. There are alarms you can buy fairly cheap that you can put on doors and windows that sound very loud alarms, usually enough for one night of reprieve, but if they are smart then they usually figure it out that it is not ADT.
If you can afford a security system then definately invest in one. Most women run into so much financial difficulties because of the situations they have been put through.
Protect your car....
Buy a locked gascap.
Buy a club
Some other ideas is break glass all around where you park. place nails in the glass sticking up. If they do not get cut, they will at least make enough noise that you should have time to call the police. Just remember it's there when you park.
Buy a stun gun....I do not recommend pepper spray. I have stood shaking wanting to attack but too afraid. But a stun gun is a wonderful invention. I got mine from Odessey Martial Arts for about $80 and it is in the shape of Brass nuckles. There is a 250,000,000 volt one that will bring down a 300 pound man. This can be kept in your robe pocket or your coat pocket and the wonderful thing about it is it goes though clothing, so he won't know it's coming and you can have time to get away. The design also prevents accidentally using it on yourself (the problem with pepper spray)
Get an order of protection- yet realize this is just a piece of paper. This paper just basically gives you the right to protect yourself if attacked. (not really because the police actually have to SEE the attack or the perpertrator.
Document every attack, every time, every detail. (including police reports and who you told) Keep this at work or somewhere secret. Once those police reports start adding up, everyone starts taking you more seriously.
Do not feel ashamed or too embarrassed to ask for help. You would be surprised at how many friends you do have, even ones that you haven't talked to in awhile. (most abuser's try to either keep you to themselves and control every aspect of your world, or they try to intergrate themselves into your friendships and trying to turn them against you) Your true friends will always be there.
Find a safe place. A friend that he does not know where they live, or even a shelter. Getting away even for a little bit will help that confidence over time to get you away permenantly.
Remember most abused women take their men back multiple times. They are smooth talkers and master manipulators, they can even make you feel like you have the problem. You don't, but you as a woman want to fix and help the person you love. So leaving permenately may not happen the first few times.
These men will use whatever they can to control you. Unfortunately sometimes that is your children. You have to be able to do whatever you can do to keep them safe, even if it means being miserable. That is your duty as a mother. If he threatens your children ever, then realize there is nothing he will not do to hurt you, and even if he is the best father, step-father imaginable, eventually he will use the kids. He will run out of options, because after awhile you become the walking dead.
As the walking dead you do not care if you live or die. One minute you feel everything is going to work out, and then the next you are torchered for hours on end. Sometimes you want to die, sometimes you want to kill him. Those are all normal thoughts, the not so normal is trying to go through with either one. You have to fight this person on his terms, if he wants to play rough, then you get rough. Except use your mind, not your body. I guarentee you that you are much smarter than he is, because what is a bully? Someone who has to prey on the weak. Your power is that you only need to be weak as long as you want. At any moment you can make that stand. This is where the Bionic Woman title comes into play, except we cannot expect a doctor, or a therapist, or our friends or family to re-build us, we have to do it ourselves.
In the upcoming blogs I will slowly tell my story. I am a survivor. I am strong, I am independent, I am a good person. I had to tell myself this over and over, until one day, I believed it. I get a random call from the jail now on my work phone and it's from the department of corrections. Instead of saying his name he sends little messages, you know the "I always loved you, I never meant to hurt you...blah blah blah" I know I am better, because I don't have panic attacks and need to take a Xanex now. I just hang up and my work day is not affected. He no longer effects my day to day life. I made sure to tell the investigating officer that he was calling me and kept that documented....Remember document, document, document!
If you haven't gotten out yet, you will or you wouldn't be reading this. You may take him back a few times, but eventually you will get out, or you will end up dead. Those are really the only choices.
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