At some point you start to feel good about yourself. You get out of that funk. You get out of bed. You start living again. Eventually the panic subsides, eventually the meds are not needed. That's when you feel good. Even when bad things are happening (and realize bad things happen to everyone) you can handle it. How could you not? You have handled so much worse.
Well as you heal, sometimes your mind pushes things deeper. Things you don't want to think about anymore. That's when the nightmares come in. Suddenly in the middle of the night you find yourself in a nightmare. You are dying or someone close to you is dying. You can't change the dream, you can't fix it. You wake up in a panic attack (you know the ones you thought were over) You can't breathe, you are paranoid. Drugs only help so much.
It will get better...the eternal mantra.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
It's been awhile
I'm sorry I did not stay committed to the story, I have a difficult time in starting many many projects yet finishing them takes much longer. I actually had a tragedy in my personal life that has affected me profoundly. Two weeks ago one of my best friends at work, was found murdered in his car. They still have not found the killer. His funeral was last week and I spoke in front of his friends and family.
Carleton was there for me when I finally left my abuser. He was my peer on my team. We sat next to each other and he listened to all of my drama. We would go out afterwork for Happy hour sometimes to the local bar, he would come just so I would have company. He would walk me to my car when we worked late. I miss him so much and it's been really hard at work. At the time this was going on he was one of the very few people I confided in which shows how close we were.
I cannot believe that he is gone. All of this violence is horrific.
I do not think I can go into more of the specifics for the domestic violence right now, so I will skip ahead a little. His trial is in November, it is not for the things he did to me. He only received 120 days for what he did to me. This is for what he did to other women. I am the star witness. I called the prosecution (I was in hiding, I guess because I was still working at the same place) and asked them if they would like my story. They said they had been trying to get ahold of me. (My ex-boyfriend saw the story on the news, how embarrassing) I vollunteered.
I will not rest until he pays.
Just like I hope Carleton's killer is brought to Justice.
That's enough for now. I cannot concentrate right now.
Carleton was there for me when I finally left my abuser. He was my peer on my team. We sat next to each other and he listened to all of my drama. We would go out afterwork for Happy hour sometimes to the local bar, he would come just so I would have company. He would walk me to my car when we worked late. I miss him so much and it's been really hard at work. At the time this was going on he was one of the very few people I confided in which shows how close we were.
I cannot believe that he is gone. All of this violence is horrific.
I do not think I can go into more of the specifics for the domestic violence right now, so I will skip ahead a little. His trial is in November, it is not for the things he did to me. He only received 120 days for what he did to me. This is for what he did to other women. I am the star witness. I called the prosecution (I was in hiding, I guess because I was still working at the same place) and asked them if they would like my story. They said they had been trying to get ahold of me. (My ex-boyfriend saw the story on the news, how embarrassing) I vollunteered.
I will not rest until he pays.
Just like I hope Carleton's killer is brought to Justice.
That's enough for now. I cannot concentrate right now.
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